Life After Binge

Ep. 076 with Colleen Clifford

In a heartfelt episode of the Good Grief Believer podcast, host Julie Craig welcomes Colleen Clifford, a commercial fisherwoman and author of Life Beyond the Binge: A Commercial Fisherwoman’s Journey Home. Colleen shares her journey through shame, binge drinking, the loss of her husband, Scott, and the personal discoveries that helped her find a new sense of freedom and purpose.

Their conversation explores the connection between grief and unhealthy coping mechanisms, the beliefs people develop about themselves after painful experiences, and the courage it takes to ask for help. Through her experiences, Colleen offers a compassionate reminder that healing is possible when people learn to face their emotions, challenge shame, and build lives rooted in faith, love, and belonging.

The Story Beneath the Behavior

Colleen grew up in Washington State in a loving family. During her college years, she began drinking heavily, eventually dropping out because partying interfered with attending classes and completing her schoolwork. In 1987, a friend introduced her to commercial fishing, and Colleen discovered a career that suited her adventurous spirit.

Life aboard a commercial fishing vessel involved long contracts at sea, followed by extended periods of time at home. Colleen enjoyed the hard work and the freedom to travel and socialize during her time off. At the time, she did not recognize that drinking had become connected to something much deeper in her life.

When Colleen was 19, a painful experience left her carrying profound shame. She internalized the belief that she was unlovable and would never marry or have children. Rather than talking about what had happened, she kept it hidden and allowed the belief to influence how she saw herself.

Years later, while reflecting on her life and writing her book, Colleen began to recognize what she calls the “story beneath the behavior.” She realized that binge drinking had been a coping mechanism connected to a painful belief she had carried for decades.

Although she made many positive choices throughout her life, Colleen sometimes undermined her own happiness because she believed she did not deserve it. Recognizing this pattern helped her understand how shame can influence behavior, relationships, and self-worth.

Her story highlights an important part of emotional healing: sometimes, the behavior that concerns a person is only one part of a much deeper experience. Understanding the beliefs beneath those behaviors can be an important step toward lasting change.

Finding Freedom Through Faith and Self-Acceptance

For years, Colleen presented herself as independent and carefree. Her life at sea allowed her to avoid the social expectations she believed she could never fulfill. While her friends married and started families, she portrayed herself as someone who did not need those things, even though she privately wanted them.

Looking back, Colleen recognized how much this independence had protected her from the possibility of rejection. By keeping people at a distance, she never gave them the opportunity to challenge her belief that she was unlovable.

Julie connects this realization to her Christian faith. She explains that the darkness and false beliefs Colleen carried could not come from a God who represents truth and light. Through her faith in Christ, Julie understands redemption as an opportunity to release the shame and lies that keep people from recognizing their worth.

Colleen also shares her belief in God and her concerns about revealing such personal experiences in her book. She worried about how her father and the people who knew her might judge her story.

Eventually, she recognized that her fear of judgment was keeping her from speaking openly. She came to understand that what had happened to her was not her fault and that she did not deserve to carry the burden of shame.

Instead of condemning her younger self, Colleen now imagines giving that 19-year-old girl a loving hug. She recognizes that she was trying to cope with a painful experience without knowing another way forward.

This perspective offers a gentle reminder that healing from shame begins with compassion. People do not have to remain defined by what happened to them or by beliefs they formed during their most vulnerable moments. They can learn to see themselves through a lens of love, grace, and self-acceptance.

Remembering Scott Beyond His Final Days

Colleen met Scott after moving to Arizona to pursue her dream of owning a horse and horse property. Their story began after a horse accident brought them together. Scott arrived to help, and Colleen remembers being captivated by the cowboy who rode up to the scene.

Scott was kind, capable, and deeply loved by those around him. He operated a horse tour business, could fix and build almost anything, and developed close friendships with his clients. Colleen remembers their six years together with warmth and affection.

Their lives became increasingly difficult after Scott lost both of his parents within four months of each other. He was also experiencing depression, health concerns, and financial strain. Their relationship faced challenges, and they sought counseling and financial advice while trying to navigate their circumstances.

Scott eventually died during a period involving depression and alcohol use, leaving Colleen with grief, anger, and many unanswered questions.

Initially, Colleen struggled to understand his death. She admits that she once viewed his actions as giving up. As she learned more about depression and the influence alcohol can have during a crisis, her understanding changed. She began to approach his experience with greater compassion, recognizing that his emotional pain had become overwhelming.

Julie reminds Colleen that Scott was much more than his final days. His kindness, generosity, and the love he shared with others remain important parts of his story.

This is a valuable lesson for those grieving a complicated or traumatic loss. A loved one's final moments do not erase the life that came before them. Remembering the fullness of a person's story can create room for sorrow, love, anger, and compassion to exist together.

Navigating Grief Without Turning to Alcohol

When Scott died, Colleen was working aboard a commercial fishing vessel near Russia. She could not return home for approximately a week, which initially seemed like another painful complication. In time, however, she recognized that the distance gave her space to begin processing what had happened.

Scott's grown children were able to organize his service, while Colleen began considering the practical decisions ahead. She needed to determine what would happen to their horses, belongings, and home. Having responsibilities to manage gave her something concrete to focus on during the early days of grief.

Colleen initially felt angry with Scott, and she acknowledges that she did not fully understand depression at the time. Her perspective changed as she learned more about the emotional darkness he had experienced.

For about two years after his death, Colleen did not return to drinking. Eventually, while traveling back to Washington, her truck broke down near Mount Shasta. The unexpected pause gave her time to stop and reflect on the many changes in her life.

She began questioning the purpose of life and recognized that she was becoming depressed. In that vulnerable moment, she returned to alcohol as a way of coping.

Looking back, Colleen understands that grief can emerge in stages. Sometimes, practical responsibilities and the need to keep going leave little room for emotional processing. Pain may become more apparent when life finally slows down.

Her experience illustrates how alcohol can become an unhealthy coping mechanism during grief and how important it is to recognize when an attempt to escape pain is creating additional difficulties.

Recognizing the Dangers of Binge Drinking

Colleen explains that she did not always recognize her drinking as a problem because she did not drink every day. She could go periods without alcohol and sometimes drink moderately, making it easier to overlook occasions when she consumed far more than she intended.

She discusses how binge drinking can carry serious consequences even for people who do not identify themselves as having an alcohol problem. Because drinking is socially accepted in many settings, people may struggle to recognize harmful patterns or feel pressured to explain why they choose not to drink.

Several years after Scott's death, Colleen experienced a turning point when she drank excessively at a friend's gathering and made the dangerous decision to drive home. During the drive, she prayed to God to help her arrive safely and promised that she would stop drinking.

After reaching home, she began to confront the seriousness of her behavior. Her partner's reaction helped her recognize that binge drinking was a problem, regardless of how frequently she drank.

Colleen is candid about the shame she feels regarding her decision to drive while intoxicated, and she acknowledges the potential harm impaired driving can cause. Rather than using the experience as an excuse, she shares it as an opportunity to encourage greater awareness and honesty.

Her story reminds listeners that recognizing a harmful drinking pattern does not require waiting until alcohol becomes a daily habit or causes an irreversible consequence. Paying attention to behavior and seeking support can make a meaningful difference.

Learning to Sit With Discomfort and Ask for Help

One of Colleen's most practical lessons is the importance of learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions instead of immediately trying to escape them.

For much of her life, she reached for alcohol when difficult feelings surfaced. Changing that pattern meant learning to experience discomfort without automatically turning to a familiar coping mechanism.

Colleen compares this process to beginning an exercise routine. The first attempts can feel awkward and difficult, but practice makes the experience more manageable. She acknowledges that she did not always get things right and sometimes returned to old habits.

Instead of interpreting every setback as proof of failure, she learned to examine what happened and continue moving forward. She encourages people to recognize their progress rather than focusing only on the moments when they struggle.

Colleen also emphasizes the importance of asking for help. During her own grief journey, she resisted seeking support, even when she was struggling emotionally. Eventually, she recognized that she needed help because she was not making the changes she wanted to make.

She encourages people to reach out to qualified professionals when emotional pain becomes severe. For those who are not yet ready to take that step, she recommends beginning with honest reflection: Is the behavior helping, or is it making life harder?

She also reminds listeners that change can happen in small steps. Learning to sit with discomfort, trying healthier coping strategies, and allowing feelings to pass can gradually build resilience.

Finding Strength in Faith, Family, and Community

Throughout her journey, Colleen has come to appreciate the importance of supportive relationships. Prayer, family, therapy, church, and community can all provide strength when life becomes difficult.

She recognizes that asking for help can be frightening, especially for people who have grown accustomed to hiding their pain. Yet allowing others to offer understanding and support can help a person feel less alone.

Colleen also encourages people experiencing severe emotional distress to seek professional assistance. During the conversation, she mentions the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the United States as a resource for people experiencing suicidal thoughts.

Her wider message is that people deserve support during their darkest moments. They do not have to manage everything by themselves, and there is no shame in seeking help.

Building a life centered on belonging, love, and healthy relationships can create alternatives to destructive coping mechanisms. Healing becomes more possible when people have places where they can be honest about their feelings and receive care without judgment.

Conclusion: Allowing Grief Without Judgment

At the end of the episode, Julie asks Colleen what it means to grieve well. Colleen's answer is simple: allow the grief journey to unfold without judgment.

She recognizes that people often believe they should know exactly how to grieve or that they need to handle their emotions in a particular way. Yet grief is deeply personal. Learning to acknowledge feelings without condemning oneself can be an important part of emotional healing.

Colleen encourages people to draw strength from faith, family, therapy, church, and community rather than turning to behaviors that add more shame to an already difficult experience.

Her story is not about becoming grateful for painful events. It is about discovering that those events do not have to define the rest of a person's life. Through faith, self-compassion, honest reflection, and meaningful support, it is possible to build a life grounded in greater freedom and purpose.

In her conversation with Julie Craig, Colleen Clifford offers hope to those navigating grief, alcohol misuse, or the burden of shame. Her journey reminds listeners that healing can begin with one small step: allowing themselves to feel, asking for help, and recognizing that they are worthy of love.