Hope Comes to Stay

Ep. 052 with Clarissa Moll

In episode 052 of the Good Grief Believer podcast, host Julie Craig had the privilege of speaking with author Clarissa Moll. Their conversation centered around navigating grief, especially in the context of children, and highlighted Clarissa's touching book, “Hope Comes to Stay”. This discussion provided valuable insights into the complexities of loss and the hope that can emerge from it.

Clarissa's Journey Through Grief

Clarissa Moll lives in New England with her blended family of nine. Her life took a dramatic turn when her first husband, Rob, died in a hiking accident in 2019. Suddenly, she found herself a young widow with four children to raise alone. This profound loss led her on a journey to understand grief and how to rebuild a life filled with love and purpose.

Julie expressed admiration for Clarissa's resilience, noting how she transitioned from despair to a fulfilling life. Clarissa articulated the importance of sharing her experiences with others, highlighting that it is possible to find joy again after deep sorrow. She reminisced about Rob, describing him as a wonderful husband and father who had profound conversations about death and loss long before his passing. Although these discussions helped prepare her for many of the challenges that grief would bring, no preparation could fully equip her for the emotional turmoil that followed.

Grief – The Piano Metaphor

Clarissa likened understanding grief to learning to play the piano. Although one can listen to the same piece of music many times, proficiency only comes from the act of playing it. Similarly, conversations about death can prepare individuals for the logistics, but the emotional impact of grief must be faced head-on. This metaphor resonated with Julie, who also had experience with music, reinforcing the idea that actual engagement is essential for true understanding.

Julie shared her own experiences with grief, particularly her late husband's background as a widower. They had meaningful conversations about mortality, which equipped them for the difficult times ahead. This preparation, while valuable, does not eliminate the pain of loss.

Society's Struggle with Grief

Clarissa pointed out that society often avoids conversations about death, leading to a culture lacking in language around grief. People tend to either ignore death entirely or consume it as entertainment, leaving those in mourning without the support they desperately need. The absence of a shared vocabulary for grief complicates the experience for individuals trying to navigate their loss.

Julie echoed this sentiment, sharing a story about a person who lost a daughter and how cultural rituals provided necessary support. Clarissa acknowledged that while she had a supportive church community, not everyone is as fortunate. The experience of loss reveals who will show up for support, often adding layers of grief when friends do not respond.

The Complexity of Support

Many friends want to help but feel unsure about how to provide support. This uncertainty complicates relationships during times of loss. Grieving individuals often find themselves needing to educate others about how to support them, which can be emotionally taxing. Clarissa emphasized that this dynamic can lead to frustration, as friends may genuinely care but simply do not know how to act.

One of the unexpected joys of grief is the support from individuals outside one's immediate circle. Clarissa shared a touching story about her electrician, who reached out after Rob's death to provide not only practical, but also emotional support. This connection became a lifeline during a challenging time, illustrating the beauty of community even in unexpected places.

Julie resonated with this idea, recounting some similar experiences. The importance of recognizing and appreciating those who step up to help cannot be overstated. It is often these unexpected connections that bring comfort during difficult times.

Introducing Hope Comes to Stay

Clarissa's book, Hope Comes to Stay, introduces characters that reflect various reactions to grief, helping readers understand that there is no one right way to grieve. She highlights a staggering statistic: one in twelve children in the U.S. will experience the death of a parent or sibling before turning 18. This underscores the critical need for resources addressing grief in a way that is accessible and understandable for children.

Clarissa emphasizes that children benefit from concrete language about death. Parents and caregivers should engage in open discussions about mortality, framing it as a natural part of life. By doing so, children can learn to navigate their feelings of loss without fear.

Parenting Grieving Children

Clarissa's journey of parenting grieving children has been multifaceted. She describes it as being a short-order cook, where each child has different needs and responses to grief. This complexity necessitates careful observation and listening to understand how best to support each child's unique experience.

Julie acknowledged the importance of open conversations about death with children. Many adults avoid these discussions out of fear, but Clarissa argues that this avoidance denies children the tools they need to cope with life's realities. These discussions about death and loss are essential for children who grieve.

The Feelings of Difference

Clarissa also touched on the feeling of being different that grieving children often experience when re-engaging with their peers. Her family has encountered this reality in various settings, such as family events and school activities. She encourages families to recognize that there is no "normal" in a broken world, and community support is vital.

The church community became a source of extended family for Clarissa, providing essential support during tough times. She highlighted the importance of interdependence in a society that often promotes hyper-independence. Being part of a supportive community can significantly enhance the grieving process.

The Motivation Behind Writing

Clarissa shared her motivation for writing her first book, Beyond the Darkness: A Gentle Guide for Living with Grief and Thriving after Loss, expressing frustration with existing resources that either lacked practical advice or overly focused on devotional content. She wanted to create a book that combined grief research with a faith-based perspective, addressing both emotional and practical aspects of loss. 

Her goal was to provide readers with answers to their pressing questions about grief, allowing them to navigate their emotions while holding onto hope. Clarissa believes that while grief may never completely vanish, it can coexist with joy and hope. She has since written other books, including a companion devotional guide for Beyond the Darkness; co-authored a book for grieving teens with her daughter, titled Hurt Help Hope: A Real Conversation about Teen Grief and Life after Loss; and of course, her book for children, Hope Comes to Stay, which was the subject of her discussion with Julie.

The Lasting Impact of Grief

As the conversation drew to a close, both women reflected on the idea that grief does not disappear but transforms over time. Clarissa emphasized that while grief may always be present, it can coexist with hope and joy. She concluded with a poignant sentiment from her book, illustrating how grief can bring courage, comfort, and happy memories alongside sorrow.

Julie expressed her gratitude for Clarissa's insights and the meaningful conversation they shared. The discussion underscored the importance of sharing experiences and supporting one another through grief, offering hope to those who may feel lost in their journey.

In conclusion, Good Grief Believer provides a vital platform for discussing grief and healing. Through conversations like the one between Julie Craig and Clarissa Moll, listeners are reminded that while grief can be profound, hope can also emerge, illuminating the path forward.