Esther’s Joy

Ep. 053 with Kevin & Heather Daines

In episode 53 of the Good Grief Believer podcast, host Chris Frazier shares a reflection on the beautiful, yet tender, story of Kevin and Heather Daines. Their journey, touched by both profound joy and deep sorrow, offers such precious lessons for all of us navigating the winding paths of life and loss.

It’s a testament to the enduring power of love, the quiet strength of faith, and the gentle hand of our Heavenly Father, even in our darkest hours.

A Glimpse of Pure Joy: Remembering Sweet Esther

Kevin and Heather Daines shared their beautiful family story. Both Heather and Kevin are from California and met in college. They've been married 32 years, raising seven children in Washington. Now, with their youngest graduating, they're becoming "empty nesters."

Heather finds joy in simple pleasures like paddleboarding, snowshoeing, and walks. Kevin loves volleyball, frisbee, and coaching soccer. He works in AI and cherishes his roles as a dad and grandpa.

The heart of their story is their granddaughter, Esther, who passed away at two and a half. Heather described Esther as "pure joy" and "pure love." She was a little light radiating warmth to everyone.

Despite being mostly non-verbal, Esther’s favorite word was "hi." She used it often, greeting everyone with unhindered affection. Kevin added that Esther adored music and dancing, finding pure delight in songs like the Paw Patrol theme.

It's so precious how she had a special fondness for the men in her life, especially her grandpas and her dear dad. Esther, in her own unique way, reminded everyone of the simple beauty of a loving heart. Her story truly shows that a life's measure is in its love, not its length.

The Unseen Battle: Navigating Dravet Syndrome with Grace

Esther’s precious life also faced immense challenges. At just six months old, she was diagnosed with Dravet Syndrome, a severe form of epilepsy. This meant constant, recurring seizures, often requiring hospitalizations. It was a lifelong journey with no cure.

My heart aches thinking about the burden on her parents, Austin and Grace. Imagine the constant vigilance, the fear, the endless medications. Even a slight temperature change or a small bump could trigger a seizure. It was a 24/7 watch, a heavy weight to carry.

Yet, what shone through Kevin and Heather’s words was the incredible strength and unwavering devotion of Esther's mom and dad. They absolutely wrapped their arms around her, refusing to let her diagnosis define her life.

They ensured she experienced a full and joyful life here on Earth. They enjoyed parks, the outdoors, and water, always with caution. Their love was a beautiful, sacrificial example of true parenting. As grandparents, Kevin and Heather watched this with admiration and deep empathy, seeing the layered nature of grief.

The Grandparents' Heart: A Layered Grief and the Search for Divine Will

For grandparents, grief carries its own unique weight. It’s not just the sorrow of losing their precious granddaughter, but also the profound pain of watching their own children suffer. Heather spoke honestly about the helplessness, the longing to "fix" things, to make the heartache disappear.

This led them to a deeply spiritual wrestling: "What do we pray for?" When our hearts ache for a miracle, but we also seek to align our will with God's, it can be challenging. They learned to pray for Esther’s protection from the severity of her seizures, finding peace in trusting God’s perfect plan.

It’s a beautiful reminder that true faith isn't about demanding our way, but about surrendering to His. Kevin also shared how Austin and Grace often shielded the extended family from the darkest hospital moments. They wanted them to remember Esther's joyful spirit.

This act of protection, while difficult to witness from afar, was a profound demonstration of their children’s strength. Kevin and Heather learned to honor their decisions, even when their own parental instincts yearned to intervene.

The Language of Love and Loss: "Passed On" and "Heaven Day"

Language, in times of grief, becomes incredibly significant. Heather shared her deep preference for saying Esther "passed on," rather than "passed away" or "died." Isn't that just a tender way of expressing our Christian hope?

It speaks to the belief that life isn't extinguished, but simply transitions to another realm, a heavenly home where our loved ones await. This distinction truly resonated with her, affirming Esther's continued presence in their family.

Kevin, too, embraced this perspective, referring to the day of Esther's passing as her "heaven day." What a beautiful way to memorialize a sacred moment, transforming a day of sorrow into a day of spiritual significance.

These terms, "passed on" and "heaven day," are more than just words; they are expressions of a faith that believes in eternal life and the promise of a glorious reunion. Often, when we share our stories with such heartfelt language, it creates a sacred space for others to share their own experiences of loss.

Navigating the Waves: Triggers and Tender Mercies

Grief, as we know, isn't a linear path; it's more like the ocean, with unexpected waves. Kevin and Heather spoke candidly about the "triggers" that bring back a rush of memories and emotion.

For Heather, it's the music Esther loved – the Paw Patrol song, or even "Wheels on the Bus," which she sang to Esther just before she passed. For Kevin, it’s also music, and especially pictures of Esther, particularly one of her giving her dad a "big hug."

These images are poignant reminders of her immense capacity for love. Even physical places, like the hospital where Esther passed, can become powerful triggers, bringing tears and a deep sense of longing.

Chris Frazier poignantly called these unexpected surges "sneaker waves," hitting you when you least expect it. They remind us that grief isn't something we "get over," but something we learn to carry.

Yet, amidst these waves, they also spoke of "tender mercies"—those small, unexpected blessings from God that offer comfort and uplift their spirits. It’s in these moments, dear friends, that we see God’s gentle hand, offering whispers of hope and grace.

Showing Up with Love: Supporting Grieving Hearts

One of the most profound takeaways from this episode is their wisdom on how to support those who are grieving. Their advice is simple, yet powerful: "Don't overthink it, just step up and step in."

Heather shared the beautiful example of a friend who, upon hearing of Esther’s little sister’s sadness, didn't ask, but simply made a board book and keyring with family pictures for the one-year-old. Another friend, hearing Heather wouldn't be grocery shopping, simply showed up with meals for several days.

These are acts of pure, selfless love. Kevin echoed this, recalling how a simple plant or a card saying "we're thinking of you" meant the world. The key, they emphasized, is to act on the promptings of your heart.

And oh, how important it is to remember that support isn't just for the initial days or weeks. As Chris Frazier noted, support often wanes as time goes on, but the grief doesn't. Kevin and Heather stressed the importance of "keeping showing up, keeping texting, keeping checking in."

Heather consistently reaches out to her sister on their nephew's birthday, years after his passing. A simple text or call speaks volumes. Knowing that our loved ones are remembered, especially little ones who didn't have a lifetime to build a legacy, is a profound comfort. It alleviates the fear that their existence will be forgotten.

While people may sometimes say insensitive things, often with good intentions, the Daines encourage us to extend grace. Most people are simply trying to help. The most powerful support often comes not from trying to "fix" the pain, but from simply being present, allowing the grieving heart to feel, and remembering with them.

Transformation Through Sorrow: A Deeper Capacity for Love

This journey of grief, while agonizing, has also profoundly transformed Kevin and Heather. Heather shared her personal journey of learning to understand and acknowledge her own emotions. This practice proved invaluable when Esther passed. It allowed her to "tap in" to her feelings rather than busy herself away from them.

Kevin spoke of experiencing a "soul-wrenching" heartache that redefined his understanding of pain. This led to a broader range of emotion and a greater capacity for empathy. He hopes this experience has made him more understanding of others' heartaches, big or small.

Their reflections beautifully illustrate that faith does not negate grief, but walks hand-in-hand with it. Heather spoke of learning that "lament" is part of a beautiful process with God. You can have both grief and faith, both sorrow and worship. This truth, that you don't have to choose between faith and feeling, was incredibly helpful.

Kevin brought up the powerful example of Jesus weeping at Lazarus's tomb. Even knowing He was about to perform a miracle, Jesus still felt the human emotion of grief. This demonstrates that sadness is not a sign of weakness, even for our Savior. This profound understanding allows us to lean into our sorrow, knowing that God is intimately acquainted with our pain. Our tears can draw us closer to Him.

Grieving Well: A Unique and Sacred Path

As they closed their conversation, Kevin and Heather each offered their insightful definition of "grieving well." For Heather, it means doing it in your "own way," letting it be your individual, unique path. Don't compare yourself to others or feel "behind." What a freeing perspective!

Kevin added that grieving well means not shutting out the emotion, the longing, or the tears. It means allowing yourself the space and grace to feel it all. He has come to appreciate emotion and tears as a way to grapple with loss.

He encourages us not to be embarrassed or shy about sharing our feelings when the situation allows. This openness, he notes, creates deeper connection with family and loved ones.

Their words are a gentle reminder, dear friends, that grief is a deeply personal journey. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to walk it. It is a sacred path, unique to each heart.

May we all extend grace to ourselves and to others as we navigate sorrow, trusting that our Heavenly Father holds us close through every tear and every memory. And may we always remember that in Christ, there is hope beyond the heartache, and the promise of a glorious reunion. Amen.